Weird and Wonderful World of Crap!
by Oliverevilo
Summary: Some people find it funny, others don't as i have checked with 2 friends, one likes, the other doens't, its up to you though!
1. Chapter 1 Weird and wonderful world of

The Weird and Wonderful Tale of Crap!!  
  
By 'Author'  
  
(My name in this story)  
Sorry for any spelling mistakes.  
  
You see, as this introduction line is completely pointless, you will begin to realise something strange about this 'story'. You will realise, that at the moment, your imagination can't picture the story for you to get you involved in. Basically because the Author, me, hasn't yet described a scene. So let's get you story hungry book worms something to think about...  
  
You're in a forbidding space station, to your left you now see windows that open into the vast unknown distance of space, to your right is a tall metallic wall. In front and behind you are endless corridors with multiple doors leading off the sides. Then you realise your not actually there your just a reader just looking at the setting to your story, blow, isn't it? Anyway, now you see your first character, (Finally!) it's a tall man, wearing a leather jacket that hangs down to his ankles at the back. He has short cut black hair, and black glasses. He is wearing a white vest and leather trousers. Now you start accusing me of ripping off Neo? Well, I'm not, I'm actually using Neo!  
  
(for all you people that may actually own the Copyright of Neo or your just some weird little nutcase that likes to sue people then I'd like you to know, I don't own Neo as a Copyright, I'm not keeping him, I'm not selling him in a product I'm just using him in a story. Plus you can't get me in trouble for doing something I shouldn't do because I'm only 13 and don't actually know why other writers write these things! I'm just doing it in case there is some nutcase that exists and goes around suing people!)  
  
So here we are, Neo standing there looking around cautiously...he glances to his left and then to his right. Boy isn't this interesting? Then he focus' his attention out of the windows and into space.  
  
"What the hell are those little white glow-y things?" exclaimed the not so bright Neo. An astronomer walks into the room and looks at Neo as if looking in pity at some really thick nutcase from a mental asylum (not knowing that he probably was).  
  
"That would be a star, my friend." The astronomer said in a 'matter-of- fact' voice.  
  
"What?" Said the bewildered Neo  
  
"A star you moron!"  
  
"..."  
  
"Christ, how dumb are you? What's your name then?"  
  
"My name's Neo! Ooh! Ooh! I know the answer to this! Let me think...ooh...wait no...Ah yes! I'm as dumb as ... as... somebody who has never been to school!"  
  
"Christ... what kind of nut-ball let him out of the asylum?"  
  
"I forgot"  
  
"What!?"  
  
This pointless conversation probably went on for ages, the author...me...got a bit bored while writing this scene and either hit his head and fell unconscious or fell asleep, but the point is that he left the two to argue in his imagination and wasn't conscious to write it down. When he did wake up it carried on like this (obviously meaning I just woke up and now I'm going to continue, dumb-y! ... Second thoughts, DON'T TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT! PLEASE!)  
  
Neo and the astronomer were by this time extremely annoyed with each other, the astronomer because he couldn't bear Neo's stupidity and Neo was annoyed for the plain fact that I, the author decided him to be! The astronomer lunged at the supposed 'chosen one' known as Neo and attempted to punch Neo in the face. Now all you readers are going to think, a weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing is going to attack Neo? YEA RIGHT! Though it was true! Neo went to use his control over the matrix and realised, hang on, I'm not in the freaking matrix!! Big bummer...  
  
The weedy, geeky, egghead, boffin guy astronomer thing got away with smacking Neo right in the face.  
  
"Ouch!" Exclaimed the still confused over the 'not in the freaking matrix!!' idea Neo.  
  
"What in hells name?" Exclaimed the astronomer, "Of course it'll hurt you moron I just hit you in the face, you know? Fist, when it connects with your face? Get it?" the astronomer took a deep breath. Let me demonstrate. The astronomer proceeded to hit Neo about 10 more times around the face. Get it now?  
  
"Eh?" said the dazed and now half unconscious Neo.  
  
"Ah forget it..."  
  
The astronomer went to walk away when Neo suddenly jumps in front of him.  
  
"What the fudge?" exclaimed the bewildered astronomer.  
  
"You hit me!!" Said Neo, as of being suddenly filled with a new strength, and urge to collapse.  
  
"No, I didn't, did I?"  
  
"Yes you did!" said Neo, who surprisingly enough didn't actually know anything about sarcasm giving no apparent reason for the astronomer to have said that to him...oops, authors bad.  
  
This story now seems to be getting a tad boring, let's spice it up...  
  
Arnold Schwarzenegger now appears from nowhere.  
  
"Where the hell did you come from? In fact, who the hell are you?" The astronomer said.  
  
"Yes I want to know!" said Neo, still struggling over what the shiny white things were floating in space.  
  
(Oh and by the way, when Arnold Schwarzenegger talks it's in his terminator voice, ok?)  
  
"I am from the future; I have come to stop you from killing Neo." Arnold replied.  
  
"Who's Neo?" said Neo.  
  
"You, you moron!" said both Arnold and the Astronomer.  
  
"Oh yea..." said Neo, whose mind was now occupied with thoughts of how wonderful elevator music sounded...  
  
"You must not die Neo!" said Arnold.  
  
"I wasn't going to...cool...I'm not allowed to die...awesome!" said Neo, whose mind was still occupied on the elevator music.  
  
"Right..." said the astronomer.  
  
"So...what happens to me?" said Neo.  
  
"You must die in a day from now, not today; if you die today then I will not be created to save the world in the future, if you die tomorrow? Well, that's your problem."  
  
"Oh, great, thanks a lot!" Said Neo, strangely this being the first time he's answered a question sensibly with something that sounds remotely normal.  
  
Now this plot is getting old... We need MORE characters! (This could get AWFULLY confusing you know!) Hugh Jackman now appears.  
  
"What in gods name?" They all exclaimed.  
  
"Hello!" Said Hugh, everyone stared at his strange clothing. It was actually him playing 'wolverine' from X-men.  
  
The man from the Walkers Square crisps appears next to Hugh.  
  
"T-is not natural!" He exclaimed, before quickly creeping around the corner and disappearing from the story.  
  
"Okay...I'm going to pretend that never happened..." said Hugh.  
  
The others nodded in agreement.  
  
"What the hell is going on here?" said Neo, now staring at the funny Silver caps on the knuckles of Hugh's Fists.  
  
Hugh spotted his gaze. He span around, as blade/knife things came out of his skin/knuckles through the suit, in one movement from the moment he started spinning he ended up standing in a cool-kind-of stance pointing the blade things right at Neo's throat. He growled, he looked kind of cool, and sounded it. Plus the look on Neo's face made this worth the effort to imagine. Then, in all of Hugh's glory...the seat of his trousers rips.  
  
"Bummer..." he though, wishing he'd read the washing instructions on his suit before using a quick rinse.  
  
Neo was the first to snigger, being the most childish and immature/idiotic of them all.  
  
"Try it and have your throat slit, maggot!" said the now bright-red-in-the- face Hugh.  
  
"Eep..." squeaked the now terrified Neo.  
  
Now Arnold started to smirk, and Hugh knew there was nothing he could do against this mammoth man, terminator thing. Then the astronomer started.  
  
"Woops" said the astronomer.  
  
"Darn right 'woops'" said the enraged Hugh.  
  
Hugh flung himself at the astronomer, the rest is censored, ok I'll tell you a bit. You can only see the shadow of the astronomer with Hugh holding the blades downwards and repeatedly stabbing him, as a shadow. Of course...I shall now pretend to be innocent...and whistle quietly...  
  
The Man from the Walkers Squares advert comes running around the corner again, attempting to run past but stops in mid-stride as he sees Hugh in the strange suit that now had a hole in the rear area, luckily with pants (thank god). The man gasped. He attempted to run but made a fatal mistake, tried to snigger while looking the other way, forgetting that Hugh was playing the role of Wolverine had super hearing and so on. Hugh was on him in seconds.  
  
"ARGH!!!" shrieked the strange man from the advert, "T-is not natural, T-IS NOT NATURAL!!"  
  
Hugh straightened himself up, removing the big black piece of cardboard with the word 'censored' painted across the front. Arnold looked at him with disgust thinking 'and he didn't even use a one liner or a gun...TUT ...and those blades weren't even polished!!'  
  
Neo flattened himself against a wall.  
  
"If I can't see him he doesn't exist, if I can't see him he doesn't exist..." Neo chanted using the philosophy of a 3 year old.  
  
"What the hell is he on about?" said Hugh.  
  
"I Think he is scared of you" said Arnold still using his Macho Terminator voice.  
  
"Fair enough" said Hugh.  
  
"Don't hurt me!!" shouted Neo who was absolutely terrified.  
  
Scooby Doo now walks around the corner.  
  
"Scooby Doo-by Doo!" he exclaimed in that weird voice of his.  
  
"Eh?" said Neo, being so deprived in his cell at the Mental Asylum that he didn't know who Scooby Doo was. Then Scooby saw Arnold.  
  
"R-oh r-no!!" he shouted and went to run in the cartoon style he was drawn in.  
  
"What is wrong with him?" said Arnold.  
  
"He realised there's only room for 1 weird talking person in this conversation and knew he couldn't beat you" said Hugh.  
  
Pierce Brosnan now appears.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL!?" exclaimed Pierce Brosnan, who was at this time in the position to shoot when he appeared and fell flat on his face. "I was in the middle of shooting a new bond movie! Dam they'll cast somebody else for sure now damn-it!"  
  
"Oh well." Said Arnold.  
  
"Oh well? Oh well!? OH WELL!?!?" said Pierce Brosnan who was now enraged, "your just jealous that I got to play bond and you didn't! ha! I bet you've never been bond have you? No! Didn't think so! You're just a tall mountain of flab! You couldn't hurt a..."  
  
...by this time Arnold had already pulled out some futuristic-y gun thing and pointed it at Pierce Brosnan's head.  
  
"Here you go mate" said Hugh dropping the 'Censored' board into place.  
  
"Thanks" said Arnold.  
  
There was a kind of charging noise, then a kind of laser-y noise. Arnold moved the censored board and gave it back to Hugh, who then somehow managed to fit the board that was about 3 metres wide and a metre high into his left trouser pocket which was about 5 inches by 5 inches.  
  
"All done" said Arnold, "dam, I thought he was cool, as bond, then he had to go and talk about how he was better than me for no reason!...oh well."  
  
"I'm bored" said Neo who hasn't spoken for a while.  
  
"Me too" said Hugh.  
  
Arnold nodded his head in agreement.  
  
Harry potter now appears walking from one of the corridors, and conveniently, Frodo Baggins is coming from the opposite corridor. They are both deep in thought. They collide head first into each other, even though it was at walking pace, it must-a been damn painful!  
  
"Oh dear!" exclaimed Frodo and Harry at the same time.  
  
Frodo had dropped his ring and Harry had dropped his invisibility cloak. They both went to pick up their things. Frodo 'accidentally' slipped the ring onto his finger and Harry 'accidentally' slid his cloak onto his back. They both vanished.  
  
"Hey!" they both exclaimed.  
  
"What trickery is this!?" exclaimed Frodo, not knowing of anything else that made you invisible in this mortal world. (Not necessarily mortal when my imagination controls it!)  
  
"What spell are you using!?" exclaimed Harry, not knowing of any spell that made you invisible, and not knowing of any other invisibility cloaks.  
  
They both collide again.  
  
"OW" they both shout.  
  
"Pain, OW!" said Harry  
  
"Burning, forehead, ouch-y" said Frodo.  
  
Tune in next time to find out what will happen to the remaining/new  
characters of today's episode of...  
  
"The Weird and Wonderful World of Crap!!"  
  
... By ... "Author" ...  
...X-Files music... 


	2. Chapter 2 Weird and wonderful world of

Welcome to the next chapter of...  
  
"The weird and wonderful world of weirdness!!"  
  
... By ... "Author" ...  
... X-Files music ... All accusations against famous people in this story are not my own, they were found on a site that points out things and accuses famous people of things. Just so happened I found use for them in my story. This removes any  
need for suing me for slander.  
  
We left off with Hugh Jackman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Neo, Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter all in strange and crazy situations. Frodo and Potter are mentally duke-in it out with each other without realising it. Hugh Jackman, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Neo were doing weird things (Neo talking gibberish as usual)...  
  
"Hey!! Look! The reader is back!" exclaimed Neo.  
  
"Shush!" hissed Hugh under his breath, "they can't know we can see them!"  
  
"Why not?" said Neo, talking blatantly without a care in the world that he's disobeying my orders not to let you readers know they can see you, woops, I just said it again didn't I? Author now repeatedly slams his head off desk.  
  
"He's already gone and said it now hasn't he?" said Arnold.  
  
"Who?" said Neo.  
  
"The Author" said Hugh.  
  
"Oh yea..." said Neo.  
  
"This is VERY boring..." said Arnold.  
  
The other two nodded in agreement, partly because they agreed, and partly because they didn't want to get on the wrong side of that big terminator Arnold thing by disagreeing with him. Then again I think he's right, let's move on to see how the magical couple; Frodo and Harry, are doing.  
  
"Please stop walking into Me." said Harry.  
  
"I'm trying here, but when we're both invisible it is a tad difficult!" replied Frodo.  
  
"Why are we speaking so terribly posh like this?" queried Harry.  
  
"I believe, dear Harry, that it is the Authors doing." answered Frodo.  
  
"I do believe your right Frodo!" said Harry, Unsure what else to say.  
  
"I do say, my dear Harry, let's have a nice cup of tea!" (I don't really need to put who says things here now because there's only two in the conversation, you can work it out!)  
  
"Here in space? I do believe that you forget that here in space, or should I say, on this space station we have the slight difficulty that we don't know our way around!"  
  
"Quite so, Harry!"  
  
"Oh I do wish we didn't have to speak so posh..."  
  
"I know..."  
  
"Hey, we're not speaking posh any more!"  
  
"Awesome!"  
  
Ok now we're getting really bored... the last one was fairly funny, we need something to happen! I shall now delve into the deepest parts of my brain...right at the back of my imagination! Here we go! Here is an idea! Wait no, that's a piece of gum...aha! Here is an idea! Ok here we go...  
  
Harry now drew out a wand, for no apparent reason, and Frodo draws his sword in defence.  
  
"Harry, your rip-off author can't save you now! Ha! To think, my author made me originally and according to the newspaper, I haven't actually read your book, you steal ideas from the book I'm in!" shouted Frodo at the unsure Harry.  
  
"T-t-t-that's not true!!" said Harry, knowing quite well that it is. (Allegedly)  
  
"Oh but it is my friend...it is..." said Frodo, over-dramatically.  
  
"Do you have to be so dramatic? What are you going to tell me that Voldemorts my father or something?"  
  
"But, hey? How? What? How'd u know that? Did he tell you at your last 'confrontation'?"  
  
"No, I didn't know it was true, which I think it isn't, I mean, why would he try to kill me if I was his son?"  
  
"Oh but it IS true! It IS!!!" he trailed off with a hiss.  
  
"I thought you were the good guy in Lord of the Rings? Because if you are, why are you hissing?"  
  
"Oh yea..."  
  
Ok now this is getting boring again. Let's do something interesting.  
  
Some where in the deep delves off the space station, Marilyn Manson is conducting a reincarnation.  
  
"I am Marilyn Manson, ha, I'm bad, ha, and I'm going to reincarnate somebody, ha..."  
  
She reincarnates the man from the Walkers 'Squares' Crisps advert.  
  
"Huh? I was supposed to reincarnate a human being not some strange weirdo that thinks he's Gandalf!"  
  
"Y-what??" said the bewildered Man from the advert.  
  
"Oh well, guess I'll have to send him back to where he came!"  
  
"No! Not that eternal dimension of walkers square crisps, they had eyes, I tell you, THEY HAD EYES!!"  
  
"Eh?" said Marilyn Manson.  
  
The man from the advert ran as fast as he could and wound up running straight into Hugh again...  
  
"Oh...Hi..." he said nervously.  
  
"Hello punch bag!" said Hugh, happy to actually be doing something.  
  
"Oh god!!" said the man from the advert.  
  
"Wait a moment" said Neo.  
  
"What?" said Hugh  
  
"This guy is bugging me; I want to know who he is and where he came from." Neo replied.  
  
"Ok" said Hugh.  
  
1 Hour later   
  
"I can't get him to say anything; all he could say was 'T-is not natural!' which bugged me" said Arnold.  
  
"Of course he didn't say anything else! All he had chance to say was that and then you shot him with that pretty, shiny gun thing!" said Hugh.  
  
"Oh yes..." said Arnold.  
  
"I'm still alive you know..." said the man.  
  
"Y-what?" said Arnold.  
  
Arnold proceeded to shoot him again.  
  
"Ouch! You shot me in the eye! The eye for god's sake! Jesus!" shouted the man.  
  
"What is this guy on about?" said Neo, dreaming of how cool it would be to be a dog's chew toy, don't ask my why.  
  
Jean from X-men appears from no-where.  
  
"I sense what you are thinking Neo...You are thinking of how wonderful it would be to be a dog's chew toy..." as soon as she finished the sentence she had a strange look on her face. She turned to Hugh.  
  
"Does he seem this weird all the time?" she said telepathically to him."  
  
"Hell yes." He said aloud, not really bothered if Neo heard him because Neo probably wasn't listening.  
  
Jean phased through a wall and disappeared from this strange story forever.  
  
"Okay..." said Arnold.  
  
Hugh walked up to Neo and grabbed him by the shoulders. He shakes Neo violently.  
  
"For god's sake, man! Wake up and stop thinking and doing such strange things!  
  
"Who, What?" said Neo.  
  
"Jesus, the author had to put 'Him' in this story, didn't he?" said Hugh.  
  
"Yup I did" said the author...me...  
  
"You can talk to us?" said Hugh.  
  
"Yes! And I can also make your lives living hell!" I said...author said...  
  
"Oh gee..." said Hugh  
  
Hugh is now teleported to the 'Xavier institute for gifted children', to be precise, the 'danger room', set to maximum level. He can never die, he can feel pain, and he just re-spawns at the beginning of the level over and over and over again! Ha!  
  
"Christ!" said Arnold, as I provide a television that comes out of a panel on the wall for him to watch Hugh's torment.  
  
"Hey I bet you he dies and re-spawns in the next 20 seconds." I said...author said (from now on lets just leave it at 'I said' it gets a little long winded otherwise.)  
  
"How much?" said Arnold, "Look at him, he's doing fine, I bet he will live longer."  
  
"Oh yes?" I said.  
  
A whirling saw blade of death fly's across the danger room towards Hugh. He pulls out the 'censored' sign with a sigh and glum face. He holds it upright to hide his entire body.  
  
"OOO, Nasty" said Neo. Who in fact hasn't said anything for a while.  
  
"Can we do something now?" Both Harry and Frodo asked (me).  
  
"Ok then..." I say reluctantly.  
  
Frodo pulls out sword and kills Harry. Harry asks Frodo to pass on his last words to Hermione, his secret love. The words were "help I'm dieing bring me back to life using some sort of spell, don't ask me which one, you're the boffin, oh and by the way I love you. Thanks. Bye."  
  
Somewhere in my imagination Hermione's sitting there thumbing through a book for it right now while grumbling about how Harry bosses her around and how he calls her a boffin.  
  
"That ok for you Frodo?" I said.  
  
"Ah, it'll do, can I go play in the 'hobbit size deluxe' paddling pool in your imagination again now like I was before you dragged me into this retched story of yours?" he asked.  
  
"Knock yourself out." I replied  
  
"How do I get there?" He asked again.  
  
"I just told you..."  
  
Frodo gulped, and then proceeded to run into a wall, and then slap himself around the face a few times. I eventually managed to stop laughing. He sat up and said  
  
"It's not working!"  
  
"I know, that's not really how you get back, I was just seeing if you'd fall for it! Ok I'll send you back now..."  
  
I sent him back, my laughter still ringing in his ears... Probably because in my imagination I glued a tape recorder to his ear and force him to listen to my laughter for the hell of it.  
  
"I am still alive y-know" said the man from the advert that's getting annoying now.  
  
"JESUS!" said Arnold who now kicks the limp body of the man from the advert and then jumps up and down oh him.  
  
"Ouch!!" he screams  
  
"Just die already!" shouts Arnold in an attempt to command him to die.  
  
"Oh that was pitiful! Commanding me to die? Really..." the man form the advert retorted.  
  
"You're in for it now Crisp boy!" shouted Arnold.  
  
"EEP..." said the man.  
  
"Boy I wish Hugh was here, I could really use that censored sign." said Arnold.  
  
"Alright, alright, I give up" I said.  
  
Hugh re-appears still with a look of shock from his face because in the other dimension he was about to be diced by a saw blade again.  
  
"Phew" he said.  
  
"Hey don't get do comfy, I just brought you back so you could give Arnold the censored sign" I said.  
  
"Oh dear lord no! Don't send me back there! I'll do anything!" Hugh pleaded.  
  
"That doesn't really appeal to me considering you'll do whatever I want anyway because this is MY imagination and story" I said.  
  
"Oh yes, ok, how about this, I'll do whatever you want 'willingly' and 'when' you want!" Hugh pleaded again.  
  
"Alright, alright, I give in!" I said.  
  
Hugh handed the censored sign to Arnold who made efficient use of it as he used it to hide him and that annoying 'Crisp Boy' as he then continued to blast hundreds of times behind the sign. He came from behind the sign with the gun slung over his shoulder like those old soldiers with the big black hats and red coat things and black trousers. The gun was smoking.  
  
I was getting pretty bored with Arnold now, surviving every thing just because he was tall and muscle-y, well no longer!  
  
"I'm sending you to an alternate dimension of hell, Arnold!"  
  
"I will be back!"  
  
"Oh you think so, eh?"  
  
I then banished Arnold to a dimension where machines rule and he is the sole survivor left to try to fight them off but he can't die but can feel pain. He just re-spawns causing him eternal torture!!  
  
"What happens to me then?" said Neo, fearing the worst.  
  
"I'm leaving you in suspended animation on the spot until I can be bothered to write a sequel to this!" I said.  
  
"Oh, goodie...?" said Neo, unsure, "does 'suspended animation' hurt?"  
  
"Only if I decide to cause you pain for no apparent reason as I'm suspending you" I reply evil-y.  
  
"Oh great!" said Neo.  
  
"Don't worry, I have no reason to do that though, you are quite amusing with your superior..."  
  
Neo cut him off.  
  
"...Intelligence?" he suggested.  
  
"Heck no!" I said, "Stupidity!"  
  
"Oh thanks!" he said.  
  
"I could always hurt you..." I replied  
  
"I take that back, I'd 'LOVE' to be suspended in animation (preferably without pain) thank you!" he backtracked.  
  
"What happens to me?" said Marilyn Manson who played a tiny, non-important role.  
  
"I don't know, go jump of a cliff, or something..." I replied, not really caring.  
  
"Okay! My weird Goth-y pals will reincarnate me!" he said  
  
"Okay...?" I said confused, as I watched him run through a door which somehow took him from a space station to a cliff-top and I then continued to watch him jump off the cliff, "..."  
  
I think that sorts all the characters.  
  
"I'm still alive you know" said the now extremely annoying 'crisp guy'.  
  
"God damn you!" I said as I banished him to my imagination where he is surrounded by walker's square crisps. "NO!!!" he said, the words trailing off as he collapsed on the floor in a fit. Again I now apologise for any insults, or accusations made against any famous people. The accusations where not of my making, I just remembered them off 1) A newspaper  
  
...And...  
  
2) A website.  
  
The insults were my making, yes, but they are only intending as jokes, not real things, half the insults are made up. Do not take offence.  
  
Until next time!  
  
Ad-d-I-d-d-I-ad-I-d-d THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!  
  
'LOONY TOONS' theme tune (no I am not implying I own that song or the phrase above, just using them as a joke, okay all you suing happy people?)  
  
Until next time I can be bothered to right the sequel, its goodbye for now!  
  
... By ... "Author" ...  
... X-files music ...  
SIONARA! 


End file.
